


Learning Again

by Jaamesbbarnes



Category: Captain America (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Abusive ex boyfriend, Domestic Violence, F/M, Modern AU, Panic Attacks, Protective Bucky Barnes, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-07
Updated: 2018-12-07
Packaged: 2019-09-13 19:07:49
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 11,221
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16898262
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jaamesbbarnes/pseuds/Jaamesbbarnes
Summary: After running away from your abusive boyfriend, you bump into your ex, the very soft yet very protective Bucky Barnes who immediately shelters you in what used to be your shared apartment. Slowly but surely, you learn to enjoy life again.





	1. Chapter 1

You walked down the busy streets of New York at a brisk pace. The sun was getting low and you had to hurry if you wanted to arrive to the crappy hotel you had hastily booked a few hours before. You clung onto your suitcase and purse, pulling your sunglasses up your nose every five seconds to make sure your eyes were hidden. It was getting too dark to be wearing sunglasses but people just figured you were one of those girls who thought it was classy when it fact it looked impossibly ridiculous.

But you couldn’t care less about what people thought. All you wanted was too reach that fucking crappy hotel before night time. The guy on the phone had told you he’d book it for you if you arrived quick and you were too broke to afford it and the cab drive over there. So you walked faster, looking down because you just couldn’t stand people looking at you. You didn’t them to look, you wanted to disappear.

If the ground could open up beneath your feet to swallow you whole, you would very much appreciate it. You felt small. Small and tired. Every single inch of your body ached, from your skin to your bones, even your hair. Today he had pulled you by the hair and dragged you on the floor with it. Today was the last straw. When he left for work, locking inside his apartment, you had packed everything you could and broke a window. You had risked your life by jumping from the first floor, hurting your ankle in the process. But you were free.

With the little amount of money you managed to gather, you found a crappy hotel on the other side of the city, at least you wouldn’t sleep on the street, yet. You were on edge. It had been so long since you had been outside alone than every sound made you jump in surprise. When a taxi driver honked at a bus, shouting profanities, your head snapped in it’s direction so fast you didn’t see the man in front of you stopping at the red light and you walked direction into him. You both huffed in surprise when you collapsed against his muscular back. “Oh my god, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. I didn’t see you there!” you said in panic, feeling tears prickling your eyelids when the man turned around.

Your pleading tone cut deep into his heart, but not as much as the instinctive way you flinched back, your entire body trembling in fear. Bucky looked at your face and, despite your large sunglasses hiding half of your face, his eyes widened in surprised. “Y/N? Are you okay?” Your heart stopped when you recognized Bucky, your Bucky, your former college roommate and first boyfriend ever. The guy hadn’t changed a bit, unfortunately, you couldn’t say the same for you.

The second you recognized him, you felt as if the elephant that was sitting on your chest for over a year finally stood up. “Bucky,” you choked out. It was as if the crowd surrounding you had disappeared and it was only you. Even when the light turned green and people moved to cross the road, you stood still in the middle of the sidewalk. Bucky detailed you slowly and his heart broke in pieces. You looked so different from the girl he used to know. So small, fragile, afraid. You weren’t bold, lively, colorful anymore. “Oh my god, what happened to you?” he breathed out, opening his arms for you and you didn’t think twice before throwing yourself at him.

Bucky held you tight, giving dirty looks to anyone who dared look at you funny. There was something comforting about him. You remembered him as being incredibly soft and gentle behind his cocky attitude and, right now, the comfort of his arms was all you needed. When you pulled away, you didn’t placed your sunglasses up your nose fast enough and he gasped in surprise when he saw your puffy and purple eyelid. You started gnawing nervously on your bottom lip but winced when you remembered it was still sore.

“Who gave you that black eye?” Bucky’s voice was soft but firm with an underlying worry that made your heart ache. You shook your head. “I tripped,” you lied. He didn’t buy it and you knew it. “Y/N,” he said more softly, his hand reaching for your glasses. He stopped mid-air to see if you were going to shy away but you didn’t. Slowly, he resumed to his previous action and took the sunglasses off your nose.

Both your breathings hitched when you couldn’t hide anymore and you looked down at your feet in shame. Bucky didn’t need to ask, he understood in a second and he felt his blood boiling with rage, already planning to ask you the guy’s name so he could give him the exact same treatment for even daring lay a hand on you. But right now he needed to take care of you, to take you to a safe place. “Well, you’re coming home with me whether you like it or not.”

Your head shoot up in surprise at his words. You hadn’t seen each other in years, the last thing you expected from him was that. Yes your break up had been respectful, without any hard feeling, but still. You looked at him, skeptical and he offered you that old, playful smile of his that you remembered could get him anywhere. “I still live in our old apartment and I have a free room.”


	2. Be Safe

You had no trouble following Bucky to his place, or at least the place you used to share in what felt like was another life. It had been over five years now since you had moved out to follow your dream, an internship as a journalist in Washington. The last time Bucky saw you, you were hugging very tight at the airport, knowing it would be the last time you would see each other in a long time.

Yes, phones, FaceTime and social medias existed, but after talking about it several times, you had both decided by joint agreement to stop anything romantic between the two of you. You had to focus on this this internship and Bucky on his job. And you both knew your minds wouldn’t be in the right places if you kept this going. It would lead to fights after a few missed calls or another cancelled weekend or even jealousy when Bucky would go out with his coworkers, included that tall and gorgeous redhead you were so wary about.

You both wanted to stop this while it was still in a good place, allowing you to keep being friends and cherish the memories to had shared. As sad as you both were that day, clinging onto each other for the last time before your check in, you were still healthy back then. “Don’t forget me okay? And don’t you dare take my pillow and drool on it! It’s dumb enough that you keep it hostage for me to come back one day,” you mumbled against his neck, a sad smile playing on your lips as you filled your lungs with his comforting smell one last time.

Bucky’s chest had rumbled with a deep chuckle and he squeezed you tighter. “Hey, a guy got to do what he got to do for him to be sure he’ll get to see his best girl again,” he mumbled against your hairline, nuzzling his nose in your hair. Your heart had felt heavy in your chest and you had difficulties swallowing back the growing lump in your throat.

When you had looked up and your eyes met, Bucky swore his heart stopped in his chest, wishing everything around him would stop as well so you wouldn’t have to part. “I’m going to miss you,” you said softly, looking into his eyes and trying to register every single particle of his blue iris even if you knew them by heart now.

Bucky had offered you a sad smile, bringing one hand to your cheek as the other kept you safe from the crowd, secured against him. “Then, once again you lose because I already miss you.” He had tried to keep his tone teasing but the underlying sadness in his voice made your eyes prickle with tears. As an answer, you had gently cupped his face before pressing your lips to his, sealing your relationship closed the same way it had started, with a kiss.

You had sworn you felt Bucky’s lips quiver, right before he pressed them harder against yours. But you didn’t say anything, only kissed him back, pouring the past year and a half into a few seconds long kiss, right in the middle of a crowded airport. It was a kid bumping into your calf with his suitcase that broke the kiss. You saw Bucky’s red and shiny eyes and he saw yours but neither of you said a thing about it.

“Be safe, okay?” had been Bucky’s last words to you and you nodded as he brought your hands to his lips. You wanted to scream, to shake him for him to force you to stay but you both knew leaving was the most reasonable decision for you, your career, your future. So, slowly, reluctantly, you pulled your hands free from his hold before turning around, letting a few tears fall freely down your cheeks without looking back.

These goodbyes were sad, yes, but everything seemed to be perfect for you. So as you were sitting in Bucky’s couch, the same as before, almost curled up into a ball, you looked small, as if you were trying to be invisible. Images of you laughing heartily, clutching onto your stomach on this very same couch flashed in front of Bucky’s eyes, clashing with the poor state you were in today. The sparkle in your eyes that used to brighten Bucky’s darkest nights had dulled until it was put to sleep.

Bucky’s heart sank in his chest when he saw how miserable you looked and wondered what you had been through. Your puffy eye and cut lip were good indicators though, as well as the small bit of bruise he could see peeking from the collar of your sweater. You had been through hell and it made him sick to his stomach just to think about the fact that someone had dared lay a finger on you. You probably were the purest soul yet strongest, most determined person Bucky had ever met and he couldn’t fathom how someone could ever do that to you or to anyone.

Bucky took a deep breath and walked to the couch before handing you a glass of water. Lost into your thoughts, you hadn’t heard or saw him coming, which caused you to slightly jump in surprise when he presented the glass in front of your eyes.

“Sorry,” his soft, still very familiar voice managed to make you relax instantly and you offered him a small, apologetic smile at your reaction.

Not wanting to cross any boundaries, Bucky sat down on the opposite side of the couch once you took the glass. “Do you want me to call anyone?” he asked, knowing you and him hadn’t talked in a long time and you probably had people you’d trust more than him.

You stayed very quick but it’s only when you shook your head no that Bucky frowned in confusion. “What about your mom? Or your sister? I think I still have their numbers on the notebook near the phone,” he insisted, pointing at the same phone that was still at the same place. God, nothing had changed here, not even Bucky’s care for you. Only his hair had considerably grew. The wild, fluffy nest you remembered was now replaced by long lock your former roommate kept placing back behind his ears despite the hair tie around his wrist.

“I…” you sighed, your voice already growing shaky “I haven’t talked to them in over a year,” you muttered and if Bucky wanted to hide his surprise, his brows shooting up to the roof failed him. You used to be very close to them, your sister was often over, resulting in the three of you spending the night watching movies and eating your weights in candies and popcorn. And there wasn’t a day when you didn’t have your mom on the phone.

You used to joke about them cockblocking him but the sheer happiness radiating off you every time they were around was enough for Bucky to be happy too. So it didn’t take Bucky more than a second to understand that the boyfriend was probably behind this and he felt his stomach twisting with a burning rage again but he quickly swallowed it back when he saw the deep sadness lingering on your features. He sighed and nodded, “okay, maybe we wait a couple of days but they should know you’re safe now.”

Bucky didn’t want to force you to call them, but he could imagine just how worried they were for you. Maybe they were mad because god knows why the prick told you to tell them, how he managed to brink the amazing bond between you and your family, but that bond between the three of you was too strong to be broken so easily. And maybe the second you would hear them, you would want to go back home, to be safe with them. Bucky’s heart clench to the thought that you would probably leave him again but if it meant you were safe and surrounded by your loved ones, it was all he needed to know.

Tears started prickling your eyelids and you looked at him, a small frown digging between your eyebrows. Safe. It was a word you had forgotten about a long time ago. It was what your ex had promised you, financial safety, a home, love. In the end, it had turned out to be only disappointment, fear, disillusion. It had been a long time since you had felt safe. Or maybe it had been about thirty minutes ago when you had bumped into him?

Bucky had been home, once. He had been your safety net. You remembered Bucky as being warm, soft and caring. He had helped you with your exams as much as you had helped him, prepping snacks for you, making flash cards of different colors, testing each other. Being a couple years older, he graduated before you but he still helped you as much when he started working, nothing changed. Your routine had stayed the exact same, even after that night when he was scared you might be overworking yourself.

Bucky had gotten out of work earlier to pick up food from your favorite place and walked straight home to force your book closed. “Hey! I was working!” you whined, trying to get your belonging back but no matter how high you jumped, Bucky was too tall for you, even after you got up on the couch and climb onto him, resulting in Bucky’s heartfelt laughter to echo in the entire apartment.

“I know, and you worked more than enough for today. Now it’s time to relax with a good movie, delicious food and my even more delicious company,” he grinned smugly at you as he placed you back down on the couch. You huffed, crossing your arms over your chest. God why did he have to be so damn charming?

”Bucky, I have my final in three days!” you reminded him, trying to ignore how delicious the food smelled but you stomach betrayed you and rumbled loudly.

“I know, doll! And you’re currently overworking yourself so much you’re going to fry your brain so tonight, you and I chill. Your book isn’t going anywhere and will be waiting for you tomorrow morning after you cooked me your famous pancakes as a thank you for keeping you safe and fed.” As he talked, Bucky walked to the bookshelf and placed your book at the very top, right where you couldn’t reach it.

You sighed deeply, too tired to fight him and if you were being honest with yourself, you wouldn’t say no to a nice and relaxing evening for once. “Fine,” you feigned annoyance and pointed at the bag he was holding, “you’re lucky I’m starving, Barnes!” Bucky only grinned in victory before pointing at the couch for you to sit down. You stuck out your tongue at him before slouching down on the couch, enjoying how your muscles immediately relaxed against the many pillows.

You watched Bucky moving to the kitchen talking about his day at the office while retrieving everything you might be needing so neither of you would have to stand up again. It was always easy to talk with your roommate, whether it was casual talks or more serious debates, you always had plenty to discuss about. Bucky was brilliant, probably the most clever guy you had ever met.

He was interested in absolutely everything, literature, history, science. You didn’t count how many times he had dragged you to the numerous museums of the city, always looking in awe at everything his eyes could see. You loved the way his face lit up every time he leaned something new or when he taught you something you didn’t know. You could listen to him rant for hours and never grow tired of it.

Once the food had completely been finished up, you both ungracefully slouched down on the couch, sharing the same fluffy blanket. Your head was resting on his shoulder as you melted in the familiar scent of his cologne, both watching TV without really paying attention. “Feeling relaxed alright?” Bucky teased when you sighed in content.

“You’re the best,” you chuckled, causing goosebumps to arise all over Bucky’s skin when you’re breathing fanned over his neck.

“Only the best for my best girl,” he chuckled too, playfully patting your thigh. When he turned his head to kiss your forehead, he hadn’t expected you to lift your face at the exact moment to scrunch your nose at him, causing your lips to meet.

You both froze, not daring moving away, lips still sealed as your heart stopped in your chest. What was happening? Why wasn’t he pulling away? Why weren’t you pulling away? You wanted to, you brained screamed at you to pull away but his lips felt so soft against yours, deliciously clashing with the scruff perpetually covering his cheeks and chin and tickling your skin. And saying that you hadn’t thought about it a least a thousand time in the last year would be the biggest lie.

The only thing that had kept you from doing it before was that you knew it was a bad idea. You guys were roommate, you were friends. Adding sex in the mix would be a fucking mess. You weren’t even sure Bucky liked you this way anyway. He had always been respectful of you. Too damn charming but respectful, never made any innuendo or implied anything that could make you uncomfortable. Bucky Barnes was a man out of time, a real gentleman.

But as you felt his lips slowly moving against yours, testing the waters, you couldn’t suppress a soft whimper and you automatically started pressing your lips harder against his, earning a deep growl of content from him. You didn’t even leave the couch that night, throwing your clothes haphazardly in the living room and you couldn’t remember having ever felt that relax in your life before.

As you looked at Bucky sitting on the other side of the couch, memories started rushing to your mind and you tried to remember last time someone had been so gentle with you. Five years without seeing each other and he selflessly proposed you to stay over because you were in need. Classic Bucky, you thought to yourself but you know it was crazy.

“Bucky, I can’t stay with you… we haven’t talked to each other in like five years,” you whispered, trying to swallow back the lump that had taken up residence in your throat for far too long now.

Bucky knew you enough to know your refusal was more about decency than not wanting to be here. “So what? I can’t let you wander in the streets?” His tone came out harsher than intended and he felt like throwing up when he heard your breathing hitching and saw your knuckles turning white as you clang harder on the glass in reflex.

“Sorry, I’m really sorry doll, I didn’t mean to-” he sighed, trying to gather himself. Seeing you in this state was more unsettling that he thought it would. Frustration, anger and helplessness clouding his mind.

Bucky took a deep breath, “Y/N, I won’t hurt you, I promise. Please let me help you.”

The soft tone of his voice made you breathe out in relief, and you noticed fear had made you holding your breath. You knew it was stupid to be scared of Bucky because he was probably the most gentle person you had met, the fact that he immediately brought you home to take care of you despite the many years that had passed since the last time you met showed just how caring he was.

Bucky relaxed when he saw you nodding slightly. “You can stay here as much as you want. I meant it when I said you were coming home with me, I’m not going to let you down,” he insisted. “I’ll protect you, I swear.”

Your bottom lip quivered at the evident care and concern in his eyes and silent, grateful tears were now slowly falling down your cheeks. “I have always been terrible at saying no to you, right?” you muttered and Bucky swore he saw your lips slightly twitching up.

He breathed out in relief at your implied agreement and chuckled softly. “I’ve just always been the best at charming my way around you, doll,” he whispered, looking at you as if you had never left, as if it had always been your home. “How about I fix you some dinner? Then I can show your former room, your favorite pillow is still there.”


	3. Slowly but surely

It took you days if not weeks to entirely relax so you were not constantly on alert anymore. If Bucky’s presence was more soothing than you recalled, you couldn’t help but jerk in fear every time he accidentally dropped something while cooking or when a neighbor slammed their door too hard. You always needed a minute to gain you composure again, repeating to yourself that you were safe over and over again, like a mantra. You were safe, you wouldn’t have to face him ever again, he would never find you again.

You had googled a few breathing exercises that somewhat helped you during these stressful moments. Your key words were four, seven, eight.

Inhale, count to four.

Hold, count to seven.

Exhale, count to eight.

At first it took you forever to recover. You were so ashamed of your overreactions that you had to hide in the bathroom so Bucky wouldn’t see the miserable state you were in. As much as you loved living with Bucky again because of how easily you had fallen back into your old routine habits, you didn’t want to be a burden for him. He had been kind enough to shelter you even in you had no income whatsoever for now, you didn’t want him to walk on eggshells around you or be more careful about his own habits just because of you.

But, being the observant little shit that he was, Bucky noticed you running out of the room here and then, taking forever to come back. One day, when he walked to the bathroom to ask you if you were okay and that he heard your shaky breathing and small whimpers through the door, he understood what you were going through and guilt washed over him for not having noticed before.

He stood behind the door for painfully long minutes, his heart sinking further down in his chest with each whimper you let out. Helplessness tugging at each nerves of his body to take you in his arms and apologize for cursing so loud when he almost burned himself with the oven. He felt incredibly stupid and angry at himself for causing your anxiety to strike so hard it forced you to lock yourself into a room.

That day Bucky had walked back into the kitchen to give you space to recover by yourself, promising himself to go check on you again in five minutes if you were not back. Four incredibly long minutes and thirty-six painful second later, the bathroom door opened again. He heard you take a deep breath before making your back back into the living room, carefully avoiding looking in his direction and pretending to focus on whatever was playing on the TV.

Bucky shot a glance in your direction, the furnitures disposition only allowing him to see the back of your head. Despite the TV playing, he could hear your slightly uneven breathing and it took everything in him not to cross the two rooms to pull you into a comforting hug, the ones that you used to ask for every time you fucked up an exam or had a fight with your mom. The kind of hugs that had your face buried in his neck, breathing tickling his skin and his heart grow too big in his chest. The kind of smile that allowed him to finally see the beautiful way your lips curved up once you pulled away, the shy “thank you” you would whisper before tiptoeing to press a soft kiss onto his lips.

Deeply lost into his old memories of a time he still cherished, it was only when your turned around and your eyes met that he realized he had been staring at you. Your face didn’t carry any sign of your recent meltdown and he mentally cursed himself, how many times did he not notice you fleeing to cry your eyes out while he minded his own business? Bucky had promised to be there for you and right now he was failing you. He felt his throat tightening to the mere thought that he was also part of your anxiety and immediately promised himself never to cause you any other attack. “Diner’s ready,” he said softly, putting on his best smile.

Over the course of the past weeks, Bucky learned to be more careful when he cooked so he wouldn’t startle you. But when it came to external sources, you could be sure that he wouldn’t take him more than the blink of an eye to be by your side before you even had the chance to stand up, taking your hand and mimicking your breathing technics to help you ground yourself.

The first time it happened, you wouldn’t have been able to hide your surprise if you had tried. Your upstairs neighbors were having a fight and you could hear door slamming, disrupting the peaceful movie night you and Bucky were having. His heart leaped out of his throat when the first door slammed, only realizing now how tensed you were next to him. He hadn’t noticed your breathing hitching when the first yelling occurred. But it had been a couple of minutes now and you were fiddling with your fingers, biting hard on your bottom lip to try keeping your composure.

You could feel the familiar knot in your throat tightening and your lungs aching, causing your breathing to be more and more difficult. Your eyes started to well up with tears to the prospect of another panic attack and you were about to stand up when you felt Bucky carefully placing his hand on your hand. Your eyes widened at the contact and you looked in his direction. The concern was too evident on Bucky’s features and, despite the reassure smile playing on his lips, you could feel your heart growing heavy in your chest.

“I got you. Breathe, it’s okay,” he said softly before inhaling deeply. Confusion slowly replacing the panic in your eyes but you followed his lead, adjusting your breathing on his own. Inhale, hold, exhale. You couldn’t look away from his eyes as he held your hand, the steel blue iris somehow managing to make the invisible hold around your heart loosen just a little and allowing you to breathe more easily.

Confusion still lingered in your system when his thumb brushed over the back of your hand, slightly nodding to encourage you to keep your breathing pattern. How could Bucky think you deserved him worrying so much about your well-being? You were nothing so you deserved nothing. That were the words that had been repeated to you over and over again for months and now it was the only thing you believed.

But the brunet knew you enough to see the storm going on in your head and he squeezed your hand lightly, having none of it. “Everything is okay, doll. You’ve got this,” he whispered, his smile turning wider when he noticed you controlling your breathing more easily.

Once he knew the storm had passed, that your heartbeat had slowed down a bit and you were breathing more normally, Bucky would start to exaggerate his own breathing pattern, making weird noises and silly faces. Resulting in you breaking out into a soft giggle, ignoring the pain in your stomach that was slowly subsisting. It was his signature move after each and every one of your anxiety attack and he would never fail to make you laugh.

“Are you mocking me, woman?” Bucky would gasp, feigning offense and causing you to laugh harder. Your hand still slid in his, he would have difficulties holding back his own laughters as he could feel the sound escaping your mouth echoing in his entire being.

“Yes, because you look like a dumb frog,” you would chuckle, shaking your head affectionately and softly squeezing his hand to thank him as much as to ground yourself a little more.

You soon realized that your panic attacks would be shorter and shorter but also occur more rarely. Adopting your former routine again was reassuring and Bucky’s comforting presence and deep care were making things easy for you because had made everything possibly for you to feel at ease again. It was a bumpy and slow ride but you were making progress.

Unfortunately, you couldn’t say the same about nightmares. Even after months of living with Bucky again, they were still there and still very vivid. Rare were the nights when Bucky didn’t have to rush into your room to see you squirming and tossing in your bed, whimpering pleads in your sleep, begging him to stop, sometimes crying for help. Bucky hated how his heart would stop every time he heard you. The despair, the fear dripping from your voice was spine-chilling and often kept him wide awake as he waited for you to start dreaming, not wanting to let you deal with it alone by sleeping through your night terrors.

Heart thudding in his chest, the slightest, faintest whimper would cause Bucky to rush into your room, pushing away the chest of drawers you always put behind your door to protect yourself. It would take him barely two strides to be right by your bed and calling your name, telling you you were safe. Sometimes you would wake up at once, wide-eyed, inhaling sharply. Other time Bucky would have to slightly shake you to bring you back to him, repeating reassures words until you could be able to hear him over your pounding heart. But it would always end up in Bucky soothing you back to sleep.

After the first nightmare, you had burst into heavy sobs in your bed, startling Bucky. The poor man had never been very comfortable with other people crying but with you, it was absolutely heart wrenching to see you in this state. The sheer fear and despair radiating off you cut so deep into his heart, it physically pained him. Bucky didn’t think much before climbing into your bed and settling next to you before wrapping his arm around your form.

He was incredibly nervous that you would push him away, scream at him for not respecting your boundaries. But you only melted in his embrace, clinging onto his shirt as cried the terror away. Bucky slowly let himself fall back against your pillow, bringing you with him so he could lull you back to sleep. “Please don’t go,” you whimpered between sobs, causing his heart to fall to the ground at your distress.

“I’m right here, Y/N. You’re safe with me,” he assured you, his hand running up and down your spine until he felt your hold on his shirt loosening and allowing him to sigh in relief to have been able to calm you down. Bucky couldn’t let you out of his sight until he was sure you were finally sound asleep, probably staying a little longer than necessary.

You never spoke of these moments. Bucky usually crept out of your room in the early morning after having dozed off by your side and, in the daylight, you both pretended nothing happened. Bucky’s heart was heavy to see you like that. Even if you were getting better by the day, you were trying to recover from traumatic events and he felt helpless. If only you would tell him your ex’s full name so he could pay him a little visit with his friends Steve and Sam for even daring laying a hand on you, maybe that would help you get a little closure? You had refused to press charges, too petrified to have to face him again and it killed Bucky to know that this asshole was walking around freely, probably looking for another prey? Or even looking for you? Bucky’s hands ached to meet his jaw. But all he knew was his first name, Dave. No last name, no profession, no address or even damn blood type which made it impossible for him to find that piece of trash.

You knew Bucky too well, you knew he would want to make Dave pay for what he did and you would rather take another beat from the guy than let Bucky get into troubles because of you. Bucky probably saved your life that day you bumped into him. Yes, you saved your own life by running away, but Bucky had selflessly taken you under his wing, offered you a roof even if you hadn’t heard from each other in years. He never made you feel unwanted or like a burden and most of all, he didn’t pity you. Bucky was comforting, warm and made you feel safer than you had in years.

On good days, and thank god those were happening more and more often, it was as if you had never left the apartment. Your friendship was as authentic as it used to be and you surprised yourself learning to laugh again. Slowly, you agreed on going out more, always with him, though. You went to parks, to the cinema and you would never forget the face he made the day you had asked him to take you to his favorite museum again, like you used to. He looked like a child on Christmas morning.

You two spent the entire day there, rediscovering that place that had sheltered you on so many rainy Saturdays in your former life together. “Tomorrow I think I’ll go to that library that has a coffee shop I used to go to all the time to study. I checked on the internet, they still make that killer red velvet cake. Do you want me to bring you some?” you asked, digging into your large bowl of cookie dough ice-cream as the waitress brought you the sodas you had ordered.

It was only when you walked out of the museum that you realized it was so late and you two were so lost in the paintings and various sculptures, you completely forgot about lunch. Bucky’s head snapped from his own bowl, eyes wide and a surprised smile tugging at his lips. “For real?” he gasped.

You frowned, snorting at him, “come on, you make me sound as if I never bring you stuff! And I remember how much you loved this cake too, of course I’d bring you some!” you said as if it was the most obvious thing in the world and Bucky laughed heartily.

“No, I meant as in, for real you want to go out alone? You think you’re ready?” His smiled morphed into a proud beam as he said the words and you couldn’t suppress the slight blushing of your cheeks.

“I think so?” you started playing with your scoop, your own lips curving into a bashful smile at the way Bucky’s face lit up. Making him proud of any of your small accomplishments was something you still were not used to. “It’s not a big deal, it’s right around the corner of our apartment building,” you shrugged, trying to dismiss him but the two of you knew it was a really big deal for you.

“I did what you said and contacted my former boss. I explained her what happened and, well, she understood. It turns out her ex husband wasn’t as nice as we all thought he was,” your voice trailed and unease settled in your stomach before you cleared your throat.

“Anyway, Melanie agreed on taking me back and writing articles from home and under an alias so I’ll be able to pay half the rent and groceries once every two weeks again.” You explained, your heart turning warm under Bucky’s gaze.

His smile never faltered from his lips. Actually, it only widened with each word you spoke and he couldn’t even put words on the way his chest swelled with pride. “Doll, that’s fucking amazing!” He exclaimed, bringing everybody’s attention around you and your cheeks turned a deeper shade of red and you looked down at your ice cream again so your heart would stop skipping too many beats every time he looked at you that way.

“Bucky! Shut up!” you whined in between giggles, covering your eyes with your hand. But you only earned a heartfelt laughter from Bucky’s part, the kind of free, roaring, bone-shaking kind of laughter that never failed to make your heart bubble a little in your chest and your skin tickle.

“Come on!” Bucky took your hand for you to stop hiding your beautiful face from him. When you looked up and your eyes met his, you read nothing but pride and admiration on his features, making you forget how to breathe. Bucky always radiated something incredibly alleviating, soothing, something that reached deep down your bones and heart, warming you up from the inside wrapping you completely like a comforting hug. Often, when you felt the familiar uncomfortable twisting of your stomach and an invisible hold around your heart tightening, you only had to look at him and your body immediately relaxed.

You figured his reassuring presence was why you always slept so well after he sneaked into your room to soothe you back to sleep. It had nothing to do with the fact that you were exhausted from the lack of sleep. It had to do with his big, warm, familiar form against yours, his hand running along your back and arm, the sweet nothings he mumbled against your forehead until your body relaxed completely in his arms. And even then, Bucky would still wait longer, convincing himself it was to make sure you were fully asleep in fear to disturb you when in fact he was loving having you so close to him, sharing a bed like you used to.

“I’m so proud of you, doll,” Bucky said, sincerity dripping from each of his words as he softly squeezed your hand and you chuckled at him before shooting him a warm smile, you heart beating a rhythm you hadn’t heard in a long time.

“Thank you,” you said, the words so simple but conveying so much more. Bucky shot you that million dollar signature smile before bringing your hand to his lips like he used to do all the time. You both knew it should feel weird that he was doing that. The gesture was so intimate and soft it could be mistaken for something more than two friends having a nice time, especially in public.

But it felt oh so good. His lips were cold from the ice cream and made every single nerve of your hand tickle. You felt it creeping up your arm long after he had placed your hand back on the table and reluctantly let go of your fingers despite his urge to intertwine them with his. Even when he took his cold spoon in hand, Bucky could still feel your hot skin against his and he couldn’t help but lick his lips, trying to see if he could still taste your skin on them and he had difficulties hiding his disappointment when he could only taste chocolate fudge.


	4. Safe and home

“Your sister is still coming tomorrow night, right?” Bucky asked as you walked down the street. After you ice cream treat you decided you still had a little energy to walk home instead of taking the subway. The Sun was setting low and most people had deserted the cold streets already. You nodded and smiled brightly to the prospect of seeing your sister again.

It had been a few weeks since Bucky managed to convince you to contact your family again, to let them know you were okay. It had been a slow process, hearing them cry in relief over the phone had been harder on you than you thought it would so you asked them for a little time before agreeing to see them again, preferring to catch up without them seeing how poorly you had been doing. Your reunion the previous week had been easier than expected.

The shame you felt for having fell into your ex’s trap quickly vanished away when your mom wrapped her arms tightly around you. Your sister quickly coming up behind you to sandwich you into a tight hug as the three of you cried relieved tears to have you back again. Bucky looked at the little reunion from the side, unable to hide his proud smile and the happy tears in his eyeshot see the three of you this happy again.

“Yeah, she says she misses annoying you by asking tons of questions during movies, and eating all your snacks,” you chuckled. It was insane to see how everything seemed to have fallen back into places the course of the few previous months. You and your mom calling each other almost every day again, your sister and Bucky’s bantering via your phone, you and him have fell back into your old routine without even noticing it. Everything allowed you to gain some confidence again.

You finally fell like you were in control of your life again. You felt like you were finally able to walk out of the apartment by yourself and you actually were excited to experience it the next day. As you looked at Bucky’s smiley face and remembered his infinite patience towards you, you knew you had it in you to do anything.

“She can try but I might bite her hand if she comes near my Reese’s,” he snorted, causing you to laugh at the mental picture.

“You know she’ll fight you without -oh,” you let out a small gasp when a lady walked past you, colliding your shoulder and causing you to crash against Bucky’s side. The brunet didn’t waste a second to wrap his arm around your side, chuckling softly when you mumbled under your breath and glared at the rude lady.

“Easy, tiger” he teased, helping you up on your feet but he couldn’t bring himself to take him arm off you just yet. Despite your many layers of clothes, you felt his strong hold around you as vividly as when he held you at night to soothe you back to sleep. You felt his warmth spreading through you, making its way in your entire system, causing goosebumps to arise all over your skin and, despite the low temperatures of this early December Saturday, you knew the cold had nothing to do with it.

“She’s lucky you’re holding me back,” you feigned anger you fought the goofy smile that threatened to break on your lips. The variety of smiles you could muster had increased in the few months that elapsed and each and every one of them managed to take Bucky’s breath away. He loved them shy and thankful after a panic attack, sleepy in the morning when you offer him coffee, childish when you playfully put him back to his place, goofy when you played around, soft when no words were needed. Each and everyone of them was unique and woke up something new within him.

“Oh, so lucky!” he playfully rolled his eyes at you before slightly pushing you forwards so you’d keep on walking before you would freeze do death because of the December cold. You huffed and smacked his chest, the sound swallowed by Bucky’s thick coat, causing him to laugh heartily and bring you closer to him. You didn’t fight him, only melt into his embrace, snaking your arm around in torso and walked along with him as he started enumerating the movies you could watch tomorrow night.

You were about to respond to Bucky’s ridiculous proposition to watch The Lord Of The Ring, again! As you opened your mouth, your eyes scanned the area, an habit you had adopted since the day you ran away and your entire body stiffened when your eyes crossed that look that never failed to turn your blood to ice. You immediately clenched your fist on Bucky’s jacket. Your mouth went dry, your heart sinking in your chest as panic made you stop dead in your tracks. Bucky huffed in surprise when you stopped and he looked at you, ready to ask you if you had forgotten something when he saw the sheer panic on your feature.

You were livid, your eyes wide in horror and Bucky’s heart stopped in his chest. He was there. Only the mention of his name could distort your soft features that way. Bucky followed your gaze and his eyes fell on the man leaning against a wall, a few feet away from you, a mocking smirk dancing on his lips as he hastily looked down, pretending to look at his phone. A burning, blinding rage suddenly tugging at Bucky’s stomach, his protective instinct peaking at once. His mind was running a thousand miles an hour, what to do? Confront him? Walk the other way around? Punch him? Call the cops? Shelter in the nearest store until he left?

The brunet’s mind was at war, torn between his urge to make Dave pay for what he did to you and protect you so you wouldn’t have to see him again. While still keeping an eye on the guy, just in case, Bucky turned his attention to you, noticing now the tears that were filling your eyes. “Y/N, doll, look at me,” he said softly, pulling you closer to him, silently assuring you he wouldn’t let anything happen to you.

Bucky knew you were not listening to him, your breathing was turning heavier, shallower and your eyes were glued to your former persecutor. He repeated your name, placing his free hand on your cheek, the warmth of his palm clashed with your cold skin, and he gently turned your head in his direction until your eyes were focusing on his. His blue orbs immediately allowed you to find a more regular breathing pattern, as if your brain had assimilated your breathing exercises to him. “We can go around the block, take a cab. We don’t have to walk past him,” he reassured you, slowly running his thumb over your cheek.

The touch soothed you and you closed your eyes, wishing it would make disappear the piercing feeling of Dave’s eyes burning holes in the side of your face. You took a deep breath. “I’m tired of being afraid,” you said, more assertively than you expected. You slowly opened your eyes, only focusing on Bucky’s face. “He found me, if I don’t show him I’m not afraid today, he’ll never stop. He’ll find our address, if he hasn’t found it already. He might be an asshole but he’s smart.” The mere thought that Dave might know where you were living made you want to throw up in fear. It would mean he knew were Bucky lived, he knew your safe place.

Bucky’s blood turned cold in his veins. He had done everything to protect you for the past months, day and night, he was there by your side. But now the threat was right in front of you. It wasn’t in your head, but right here, right now. “What do you want to do?” he asked, wanting you to be in control of the situation in fear of doing something you were not comfortable with.

It took you a second to understand what Bucky was asking you, as if seeing Dave had made vanish away every progress you made during the past months. But Bucky was silently encouraging you to take a decision for yourself, for him. He wouldn’t decide for you like Dave did, now you were in charge. You clenched your jaw and straightened your back, “we keep our original plan, we walk home and ignore him,” you said, sounding as confident as you could. You would not let Dave ruin your life anymore.

Bucky nodded, keeping his arm secured around you. “Okay, whenever you’re ready,” he forced a soft smile despite the anger that was making his heart pounding in his ears. He was doing it for you. He would not let anything happen to you, not under his watch.

You breathed out a shaky “okay,” before focusing your gaze towards the road in front of you, ignoring Dave’s insisting gaze on you. Bucky’s reassuring hold around you was the only other thing you allowed yourself to focus on to keep your knees to give out on you. You could feel the fear spreading in your entire system, making you shiver.

Bucky placed a kiss on your forehead, silently assuring you he wouldn’t let anything happen to you. You briefly closed your eyes and took a deep breath, the soft contact soothing your racing heart a little and you started walking again. The crosswalk was a few feet away, soon Dave would be out of sight and you and Bucky would have a nice evening. You tried to convince yourself that ignoring Dave would magically make him disappear, but deep down, you knew it wasn’t true.

“Slut!” you froze again, your hand clenching on Bucky’s coat again at the word you hadn’t heard in months hitting you harder than you ever expected. Bucky’s heart stopped in surprise, Dave had shouted it loud enough for everybody around you to hear and he felt his stomach turning upside down in anger.

Bucky’s eyes flew to Dave who was still leaning against the wall, shooting you a dirty glare as his lips were curved in a lopsided smile. “What did you just say?” Bucky growled at Dave, tightening his hold around you to keep himself from jumping at him. Dave’s smirk turned predatory at Bucky’s protectiveness.

“Bucky, please, let’s go,” you pleaded, still not looking at Dave.

“I think you heard me. She’s a cheating slut! You should be careful, dude. She’s gonna fuck you over too!” he said as loud as before, making your breathing hitch in surprise and your eyes widen, utter disbelief and anger replacing fear. What the actual fuck? He could come after you, hit you, insult you. But Bucky had nothing to do with it. You couldn’t let Dave mix him into that, not after everything Bucky did for you. Dave insinuating you would hurt Bucky was beyond every horrendous thing he ever did to you.

Bucky’s body stiffened when you turned on your side to look at Dave, “excuse me?” you hissed, pulling away from Bucky to get a better look at Dave whose smile turned more and more satisfied with each reaction he got from you two. People had now stopped to watch at the little show you were giving.

“You two look pretty cosy, how long have you been fucking?“ he sneered, his voice making each of your nerves stinging. You could ignore him, you could just keep on walking without looking back. But you knew Dave was a threat and he would never stop. He’d come after you, after Bucky. The only reason you had severed all contacts with your family was to protect them. But you were done playing by his rules, Dave had ruined your life for too long now.

You didn’t realize you were walking in his direction, Bucky hot on your heels, until you were standing right in front of him, your nostrils flaring. For the first time in forever, you didn’t flinch when he looked into your eyes. The satisfaction on his features made you want to throw up as you felt your blood pulsing hard in your veins. “Missing me already?” he snickered.

Bucky’s heart was pounding impossibly hard against his chest and it took everything in him not to pull you away from Dave. But you needed it, you needed the confrontation to move on. All he could do was stay close, just in case. His eyes never left Dave, doing everything he could to anticipate each of his movement so he couldn’t lay a finger on you.

“I fucking despise you,” you spat in your ex’s face, your tone dripping with so much hatred it made Bucky shiver in fear. “You ruined my life, used me, made me believe I was nothing and that I deserved what you did to me. But I’m fucking done believe you.” Your throat tightened under the overwhelming emotion washing over you to finally say what was on your heart but you didn’t let one single tear fall in front of him. No more tears for him. You stepped even closer in his personal space, your nose almost touching his which caused Bucky to step closer as well as his hands ached to pull you back. “The only reason I’m not going to the police is because I don’t ever want to see your face anymore. I don’t want to hear from you again. So next time I see you, I’m running to the police with all the pictures of the bruises I took when I left.”

Dave’s upper lip twitched. Bingo. “You’re bluffing,” he hissed, trying to sound confident but you knew him enough to know he was concerned.

Your lips curved into a satisfactory smirk. Dave was scared of you. “You wish. And I think you forgot about the cloud, because I still have the many many threatening texts you sent me, they are all very graphic. So I think it’s better if we never cross paths again, are we clear?”

Your tone turned more and more composed with each word your spoke, especially when you saw Dave turning pale at your threat. Your ex had never seen you speak to him this way, he couldn’t recall the last time you weren’t shaking in fear before him. He looked in your eyes, desperately looking for any lie but you were serious, you had evidences. He felt rage clouding his mind and he straightened his back, “you little-”

Dave barely had time to lift his hand in the air that Bucky’s own hand was around his throat, pushing him flat against the wall. Dave let out a strangled sound, reaching for Bucky’s hand. His eyes that were usually so bright and blue were now almost completely black, “never try touching her ever again,” Bucky snarled, tightening his hold a little around Dave’s throat, causing him to let out another choked up sound.

You didn’t even have time to realize that Dave was coming your way, it was when Bucky darted in his direction that you gasped in surprise. The fury plastered on Bucky’s face, it was nothing you had ever seen before and you had known him for years. His face was entirely closed, his eyes that were usually soft and full of life, were now sending daggers in Dave’s direction. “Bucky!” you gasped, pulling onto his arm to make him let go as Dave’s face was slowly changing color. “Bucky, please, no! Let go! He’s not worth it! Please, don’t stoop to his level, you’ll be the one getting into trouble, please!”

The evident panic in your pleading tone snapped Bucky out of his trance and his eyes flew to your face. Fear was dripping from each of your pores, but not fear for you, fear for him. You were afraid he’d get into trouble for hurting the person who had mentally abused you for years. “Please,” you repeated softly, causing Buck’s hand to immediately loosen. Dave fell on the ground in a heavy thud as he coughed and gasped for the air he had been deprived. “Thank you,” you said, squeezing Bucky’s arm.

He nodded, fighting his urge to pull you against his chest for a hug to make sure you were alright. Instead, he looked down at Dave before bending a little and holding him by the collar of his shirt. You had to bite your tongue not to laugh at the squeaking sound that Dave let out but Bucky didn’t hide his satisfactory smirk at the evident fear in his eyes.

“You heard her, right? We don’t want to see you anymore. If I ever see you breathe in her general direction or learn that you even looked up for her on the internet, I’ll find you and nobody will stop me this time, are we clear?” Bucky spoke low so only you two could hear but his tone was menacing enough to send a shiver down your spine. Dave nodded eagerly, unable to hold Bucky’s gaze. “Good,” Bucky let him go, causing Dave to smack the side of his face against the pavement.

You were shaking, your entire body was shaking from the adrenalin. Bucky immediately wrapped his arm around you, ignoring the crowd of people looking at the scene in horror, ”come on, doll, let’s go,” he said, his face still closed but his tone soft as he pulled you against his side. You nodded and wrapped your own arm around his torso for support as he brought you out of the area.

Bucky looked back a couple times to make sure Dave wasn’t following you. But he saw the guy struggling to get up and walking the other way around without even looking your way. It was only then that Bucky relaxed and slowed down your pace. “Do you want to take a cab?” he asked, feeling you were still shaking like a leaf.

“No, it’s okay,” you shook your head, your lips curling up into a smile by themselves as an uncontrollable laughter ran past your lips. “I’m sorry!” you giggled before placing your hand over your mouth but it was useless. Your laugh was heartfelt, free, ground shattering, the kind that used to make Bucky’s heart expand in his chest and it had been years since he hadn’t heard it.

His own lips curled up at finally seeing you so relieved and carefree. The sparkle that had dulled in your eyes was suddenly shining bright under the New York lamp streets and Bucky’s loving gaze. “It’s okay,” he assured you, chuckling softly as he felt the weight that had been resting on his chest for months, if not years, finally being lifted off.

You took a deep breath, not remembering the last time you had been able to fill your lungs so easily. You were still shaken up, your heart thudding in your chest but you felt so much lighter it was exhilarating. The last minutes kept playing in your head and you tried to make sense of it but it was impossible, everything was a blur. You saw yourself walking up to Dave, talking to his face or were you yelling? What you remembered the most vividly was how fast Bucky had thrown himself at Dave when you were in danger.

Bucky had literally put himself between you and your former persecutor, giving you space to step up for yourself when you needed it but also protecting you from him when Dave tried to be violent. Bucky had saved you, again. You looked at him, only noticing now you both had stopped walking in the middle of the sidewalk, Bucky’s hands on your upper arms to keep you warm as his eyes were glued to your face, watching out for each of your reaction, wanting to make sure you really were okay.

Since your first encounter a few months ago, it was the first time you allowed yourself to look into his eyes. You had looked at him in the eyes many times before, but you never had the courage to actually look into them, afraid of what you might see because you didn’t believe you were worth it. The words that Dave had repeated you over and over for years were drilled in you brain and you didn’t want Bucky to have to deal with that kind of person, and you also didn’t want him to think you were still the person you used to be because it wasn’t true.

But when you finally allowed yourself to dive into his eyes, to let the piercing blue orbs swallowing you whole, you only saw deep, unconditional adoration. Bucky saw you for what you were, not what you used to be, not what he wished you would be but for what you were, who you were. Bucky accepted you whole, with your flaws and tiny cracks, he handled you with care yet didn’t treat you like a broken thing either. He managed to give you space and time to heal while still assisting you when you needed it. Bucky was simply there and he saw, without ever pressuring you into anything. He allowed you to simply be.

Tears started to prickle your eyelids and Bucky’s expression changed into a concerned frown, “what’s going on doll? Are you okay?” he asked, his hands moving to cup your cheeks and you felt tears rolling down, causing Bucky’s heart to clench in his chest.

“No,” you sniffed quietly, ”I just realized I have lost too many years wanting to please someone when in reality I’ll never love anyone the way I love you,” you said as Bucky’s thumbs ran over your cheeks to wipe your tears away. His breathing hitched at your words and he froze, blinking a few times to try making sense of the words you were saying. His heart started pounding in his chest when he realized you said ‘love’ and not ‘loved’ as in you still loved him like you used too.

“You…” Bucky couldn’t finish his sentence, too dumbfounded by the suddenness of the events. Adrenalin was still lingering in his system and he was scared he was imagining what you were saying. But you nodded. You nodded and most importantly you smiled at him. Very softly, your hand reached for his cheek while the other rested on his wrist. The coldness of his face clashed with the warmth of your hand, yet it still warmed you up from the inside.

“I do, Bucky. I still love you and I think I never really stopped loving you no matter how hard I tried to believe it,” your smile widened and it’s only then that Bucky understood it was happy tears you were crying. The air was knocked out of his lungs when he heard the words he never thought he’d hear from you again. For months he had been repressing his feeling, putting your well-being and recovery first without ever expecting you to actually say you still loved him.

“Say that again, please,” he whispered, trying really hard not to smile in fear it was a big misunderstanding. You stepped closer to him until your chest was pressed against his, still cupping each other’s cheeks and looking like two idiots in the middle of the streets but you didn’t care because, right here, right now, nothing else but the two of you existed.

“I love you Bucky, I love your smile, your eyes, your crankiness in the morning and lousy movie tastes. And most of all, I love the way you protect me and make me feel safe, wanted, loved. I love you for that and for so many other reasons I’d love to enumerate but I can’t feel my toes anymore right now,” you whispered, the condensation coming out of your lips landing on his and he swallowed each of your words, savoring them, letting them creep up his system as his chest threatened to crack open under the pressure of his swelling heart. 

Bucky’s smile turned impossibly wide and he leaned his face closer to yours, “let me kiss you first and then I promise we’ll go home, please.”

You felt a shiver running up your spine at his almost pleading tone and you nodded, “please do,” you said, lifting your face a little closer to his until they were barely a hairbreadth away, allowing you to almost taste the familiar taste again and causing you to let out a shaky breath.

Bucky’s entire body throbbed in need when he swore he heard you whimper in need and he did not waste another second before pressing his lips against yours, a deep growl of content rumbling from his chest to yours when he heard you actually whimper in his mouth. He lifted your head to angle the kiss better, and you sighed in content when your tongue brushed against his, the feeling somehow softer and warmer than anything you recalled.

“Fuck, I’ve missed this so much,” Bucky moaned in your mouth, causing you to almost go week in the knees. Yours hands traveled to the back of his head and you clang onto his hair for dear life, swallowing each sound coming from him. Bucky’s arm snaked around you, slushing you close to him and keeping you so warm, you felt it creeping it from the inside to each of your limbs until your finger tips tickled.

It was only when your lungs ached from the lack of air that you pulled away, breathing heavily, a dazed smile on your lips. You couldn’t suppress the soft giggle that escaped you when Bucky licked his lips, trying to savor the kiss until the last drop and you leaned to peck him softly, humming in content.

“Let’s go home.”


End file.
